Lecture  

The courage of Connecting Authority: with sensitivity and determination

Connecting Authority, based on Non Violent Resistance, is a way of life for courageous people. Desmond Tutu once said: if you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. This expression is also transferable to the domain of families, schools, neighbourhoods and organisations. But how to deal with violence and selfdestruction as parent, teacher, manager, counsellor? How to ‘fight’ constructively against unacceptable behaviour, while building strong relationships at the same time? How to balance firmness and compassion? How to resist ànd attach? Especially when the path forward seems blocked by obstacles like insufficient resources, lack of time, obstruction, high conflict, fear of doing it wrong.

It is easier said than done. You need courage to delay your response in tense situations, to make relational gestures despite all the nasty insults, to stimulate your extremely anxious child to go to school, to enter the room of your violent child or the child that threatens to kill himself. You need courage to resist and not to give in anymore, you need courage to control your own anger, to be transparent about feelings of despair or shame and to ask for support.

Courage is the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles and emotions. To stand up and speak, but also to sit down and listen. With examples of courage, based on my own experience and on interviews with professionals and parents, I hope to encourage people to embrace and maintain an attitude of sensitivity ànd determination, especially when life gets tough: be firm and kind to unkind people, they need it most. May our choices reflect our hope, not our fears.

Biography

Eliane Wiebenga is a clinical psychologist, specialised in systemic therapy (family therapy and parent-counselling in general and specialised in Non Violent Resistance and Connecting Authority). For many years Eliane has worked in a psychiatric hospital for children and adolescents. From 2000 she has worked as a therapist, teacher and supervisor in the Lorentzhuis, Institute for systemic therapy, education and consultation in Haarlem, The Netherlands. Eliane is co-author of the Dutch translation (2007) of Haim Omers book ‘Non Violent Resistance, a new approach to aggressive and self-destructive children’ and wrote a revised, actualised manual for parents for this book (2015). Together with her colleague Hans Bom she has introduced Non Violent Resistance and Connecting Authority in The Netherlands by means of lectures, incompany-trainings and supervision all over the country. Hans and Eliane were both among the founders of the Dutch Network on NVR in 2012 and are the authors of multiple articles about Connecting Authority and Non Violent Resistance.